It's been some time since I have posted, my personal life has been a little fraught for a while now, but I thought it's about time I made the effort and got back into this blogging lark. These funnies were sent to me by my mate Snottie, they made me chuckle, so I thought I'd share them with you...
1) One day, a man came home and was greeted by his
wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up,"
he purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
2) A woman came home, screeching her car into the
driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the
door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter,"
she said. "Just get out."
3) Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is a husband.
4) A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight
test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
5) Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of
gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm
so tired of chardonnay."
6) A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more
butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going
to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always
forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is
wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a
couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show
you what it feels like when I'm driving."
1) One day, a man came home and was greeted by his
wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up,"
he purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
2) A woman came home, screeching her car into the
driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the
door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter,"
she said. "Just get out."
3) Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is a husband.
4) A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight
test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
5) Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of
gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm
so tired of chardonnay."
6) A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more
butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going
to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always
forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is
wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a
couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show
you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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