We survived the raft race!

Well, we survived! After much apprehension on the part of myself and Theresa, the big day arrived and we had to put our faith in our team's handiwork - "Val" the vessel crewed by "The Redland's Return"

Laugh? Oh yes it was one of the funniest things I have ever done, esecially as we got out into the open water and tried to navigate the course.

Anyway, enough typing, have a look at the photos...










Mayhem!!

You know when you're a heavy drinker when...

These made me chuckle...

1. He's got a lot of willpower. He's finally given up trying to stop drinking. (thanks to Shane)
2. She hates the sight of liquor. That's why she drinks it so fast.
3. He's on the drinking man's diet. Now he's a skinny drunk.
4. She's getting so high she's soon going to need a net under her.
5. He deducts his booze costs because he drinks to others' health so often.
6. Occasionally, she is held up going home. That's the only way she gets there.
7. He believes in a balanced diet; a drink in each hand.
8. She never plays "Spin the Bottle". She won't let go of it!
9. His nickname is "Truck" because he always has a load on.
10. It only takes one drink to make her drunk. She's not sure if it's the eighth or ninth drink, however.
11. He only drinks on days ending in "Y".
12. She only drinks when she has company or is alone.
13. He is a public spirited person. He drinks spirits in public.
14. She knows that alcohol is a slow poison. She doesn't mind, she's not in a hurry.
15. When he's working overtime, he gets time and a fifth.
16. When there is a nip in the air, she tries to drink it.
17. If it wasn't for pretzels, he'd be on a liquid diet.
18. In bars across the nation, she's one of the unsteadiest customers.
19. He's the nicest guy on two feet. If he could stay there.
20. When she catches a cold, she buys a bottle of whisky. In no time, it's gone. The whisky, not the cold.
21. He's not one to do things halfway. He does them in fifths.
22. When she comes back from lunch, she's so loaded she has to take the freight elevator.

Another cracking weekend....

Well, back to some semblance of reality after another funny weekend with Theresa and Co. It started on Thursday evening, a few beers then singing and dancing in Truck's kitchen, followed by an early wakeup call from Theresa, complaining about her hangover and how I should have stopped her from drinking...YEAH RIGHT!!!! I DID!, but I think by that stage it was too late.

Got up Friday morning, then Theresa picked me up and we went to Truck's for a good old fashion fry up, to take the edge of off the hangovers!

While we were at Truck and Mark's, Truck decided she wanted to empty the paddling pool and put it away, so I had the amusing site of two hungover women, sitting, kneeling and laying on an inflatable pool, trying to deflate it. This ended in much hilarity, as Truck and Theresa both sat on the edge of the pool, and fell backwards into the puddle Truck created when emptying the pool!! Funny as....see for yourself....

1) What are they doing??

2) I don't think they've planned this too carefully...

Theresa and Truck - They're SPECIAL....

Then, a trip to Gosport, down the beach, scoffing ice-creams, and trying not to have an accident, after eating a whole 250g bag of DATES the night before. That was scary!!

Saturday was another smokey day, nice chicken casserole at Theresa's (can that bird cook, or can that bird cook??!) , then Sunday, we finally made a start on the Raft!! Yes, you read correctly, RAFT. Somehow, we have all put ourselves up as a team in a charity raft race. We are all going to drown. But it's for charity. I'll post more about the race as it happens.

The Amazing Amy Macdonald

Well, although I love music, it's not often I will shout too loudly about a new artist, but I have recently got really into the fantastic Amy MacDonald, and her single "Mr Rock and Roll". I suppose it's partly because of the "I wish I'd known you sooner" lyrics, and they make me think about the limited time I had with Sharon, but also because I believe that Amy MacDonald is a fantastic talent, a great singer/songwriter, and she has a great vocal style.

If you want to check her out for yourself, have a look at her singing live instore, at Glasgow HMV
or, check out the video to her single.

Top banana, really.

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Ever farted in a wetsuit?

Hmmm, was going through my funnies and found this, made me chuckle, so I thought I'd share it....

Actually, it's a self portrait!!!

A couple of new funnies...

My mates Matt and Jo sent me these, they made me chuckle, and cheered me up a bit....







Hehehhehe

She's watching over us....

I've had a couple of crap days, missing Sharon so much, but trying to smile. Had a strange thing happen to me a couple of days ago.

I was talking to Sharon, as I have done pretty often since she passed away, and I said to her, "come on then Babe, if you really are there watching over us, and there is something after death, prove it. I'll be ok if I know you are still there, but show me a sign, something obvious"

An hour later, her friend, who is very spiritual, turned up on my front door, saying she had a message for me, she said that Sharon is unhappy because I am unhappy, and she hates seeing me so depressed, and that she wants me to be happy. She also said that Sharon needs me to carry on being strong for her, to keep looking after her boys, and that she needs me to "sort it out".

Her friend then gave me a crystal, that she said Sharon had chosen, which was in Sharons favorite colour.

Coincidence? Maybe, but I like to think that my princess was letting me know she's still with me. It helps ease the pain a little.

Long time no post

Well, for those of you who know me, and have been wondering why I have not posted for some time, it's because for the last year my partner Sharon was fighting cancer, and on the 3rd of July she passed away peacefully, 6 days after we got married.

I'm devastated, but I know that she has no more pain, and that we will meet again when my time comes. In the meantime, she needs me to carry on for her and her boys, my step sons.

If you knew Sharon, you can light a candle for her, or leave a message at GoneTooSoon, or if you'd like to read about our journey over the last year, you can read the blog I have been keeping as we walked the path, at Holding Her Hand

In the meantime, I will be posting here again soon, as I continue to rebuild and pick up the pieces.

Office pranks...

I don't know about you, but sometimes working in an office can be sooooo boring. These made me laugh, and gave me a few ideas for revenge on my co-workers if the need ever arises...

Office pranks gallery

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First post in a while, so here's some funnies....

It's been some time since I have posted, my personal life has been a little fraught for a while now, but I thought it's about time I made the effort and got back into this blogging lark. These funnies were sent to me by my mate Snottie, they made me chuckle, so I thought I'd share them with you...



1) One day, a man came home and was greeted by his

wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up,"

he purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.



2) A woman came home, screeching her car into the

driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the

door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,

pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack,

beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter,"

she said. "Just get out."



3) Marriage is a relationship in which one person is

always right, and the other is a husband.



4) A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a

driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight

test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."



5) Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of

gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm

so tired of chardonnay."



6) A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more

butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn

them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!

WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going

to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You

NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn

them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your

mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always

forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE

SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is

wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a

couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show

you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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Ken's Pet Hate - Geezer Birds

Sat having a cuppa with my mates Sarah and Ken, I have been reading some of my preious posts with them, and decided that it's time for a new post, but got too much to rant about right now, so I'm going to give someone else a chance to set the record straight about one of life's little irritations....

Ken's Thoughts on Geezer Birds....

Definition of a Geezer Bird courtesy of Harper's Almanac of Random Thoughts

Geezer Bird /gi:za bird/ n. informal A female man. Often spotted whilst using public transport, passing through some of society's less desirable urban habitats.

So Ken, why today to rant about Geezer Birds?

K: I was on the bus today on my way home and at the front of the bus there were 2 "geezer birds". Now, when i get off the bus, i courteously thank the driver but when "geezer birds" get off the bus they dont say thankyou in a friendly manner they say "cheers mate" in a voice that wouldn't sound out of place in a male public convenience. The 2 "geezer birds" after leaving the bus then walked down the road with a stride and gait straight out of a John Wayne movie.

If you are a "geezer bird" please don't call me mate or mush. This is my PET HATE. and please, please, please get rid of the shell suits and Creole earrings, they are not attractive in any way shape or form.

The next time a woman calls me mate or mush i think im gonna SCREAM. ARRRRRGHHHH.

Me:Hmm. part of me thinks Ken may have issues with women from Paulsgrove....thanks Ken

Swearing at Work

My mate Sarah always manges to find something to cheer me up. She emailed this to me this morning, apparently the ones I need to take on board are numbers 9, 14 and 16...

Swearing at work

Swearing at Work I think we can all learn something from this...

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8)TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD FO: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You

The Sad Passing Of Common Sense

Big D sent this to me this morning.....

"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but,
could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

If you still remember him pass this on. If not join the majority and do nothing."

Would be funny if it was'nt so true...

Falling Sun

Relationship lost on a stormy sea
I hold on to you
Just hold on to me
When the lighting strikes
You hear the thunder roaring
And you don't know how long
This will go on

But I know I still love you
And I know you still care
So keep on tryin' when you're sure you still love me

I don't know much
But I know how to love you
Doesn't that mean anything
I don't know much
But I know how to love you

A sea of love
Don't let it drown us
We're way too far from shore
As we go deeper
As the wind grows stronger
It tries to tip us over
But we both learned how to swim
So let's just go on

'Cause I know I still love you
And I know you still care
So keep on tryin' when you're sure you still love me

I don't know much
But I know how to love you
Doesn't that mean anything
I don't know much
But I know how to love you

Yeah I know I still love you
And I know you still care

I don't know much
But I know how to love you, yeah
Doesn't that mean anything
I don't know much
But I know how to love you

And that's all I need to know
Yeah that's all I need to know babe
Oh that's all I need to know
That's all I need to know
For now

Lyrics by Anouk

An apology...

One line.

I'm sorry Tamara. I'm a shithead, but please, don't hate me

Jokes for the girls....

Well, I suppose we blokes deserve it, we spend enough time laughing at sexist jokes...A female friend sent these to me this morning....

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Monkeehub does it again

I'm a huge fan of Monkeehub, the freelance animator who made the video for the JCB song. For those of you who have seen more of Monkeehubs work, you really should check out the fantastic Low Morale website.

Low Morale is a series of animated shorts highlighting one mans struggle against the morale crushing, soul sapping experiences of the work place.

My favorite part of the site is the Low Morale video of Radiohead's "Creep". Fantastic!

Another post for cat lovers...

This is one of funniest sites I've seen in ages. Bonsai Kittens outlines how to make kittens stay a set size and shape by sealing them in a rigid container.

Now, while you and I know this is obviously a piss take, you can be sure there are those sad individuals out the who take life much too seriously, so watch this space for abusive comments.

If like me, you can spot a hoax when you see one, check out the Bonsai Kitten web site out, it made me nearly laugh my nuts off!

CnC on the XBox

After years of playing the Command & Conquer series of games on the PC, I think it's about time the Electronic Arts released an Xbox (or XBox 360) version.

If, like me you too are a CnC addict but want to see it on your games console instead of your PC, sign the petition here.

You never know, E.A Games may take notice and bring the worlds best RTS to the worlds best console

The worlds greatest podcast...

Not really been into podcasts until the last week or so, but I've become one of the converted...

I've been listening to the hysterical Rickey Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited. It's one of the funniest shows I've heard in ages. Each show is about half an hour long, but it really does give you a laugh a minute. You can download it from the Rick Gervais web site, it's well worth the effort, especially if you want to hear "monkey news", "homeless chinese", "metaphors misunderstood" and other total nonsense.